What to do on a date

Every year about this time I find myself in a bookshop trying to find something for my father's birthday. I see titles like  How to Make an Absolute Fortune on The Stock Exchange - usually written by some junior economics lecturer who lives in a small bachelor apartment with his cat.

So I thought I'd take my inspiration from this and write about dating. This archaic mating practice is something I know little about and all previous experiences have left me depressed for weeks. Don't believe me? Well, here's a run down.

I've had three actual dates in my life. The first one didn't show up. The second one did - with three of her girlfriends, who kept on telling her to hurry up because they were going out to dinner together with some other guys. The third one invited me to her house. I arrived to find her passed out in her own vomit after drinking three bottles of cough syrup. So in short, I've had all the experience I need to give you expert advice.

Thankfully, dates are not a requirement for sex anymore, but although the concept is a bit old fashioned, people still use this form of social interaction to see if prospective sexual partners are compatible - if only for a half an hour or so of loveless, clumsy sex before slinking off in the middle of the night, humiliated and degraded.

Most of the time we don't bother with the whole dating process and skip straight to the getting-each-other-drunk stage with the first viable person in the bar. But sometimes there's no avoiding dating. Maybe it's someone you met at a party who you know you won't see again unless you ask them out. Maybe it's someone you met on the internet. Maybe it's someone one of your friends set you up with because you're too socially inept to do it yourself. Maybe you should just hire a prostitute and give up on ever contributing to the gene pool.

Whatever the reason, anyone going on a date is faced with the same timeless questions: Where do we go? What do I say? How should I act? How will he react when he finds out I'm not a 14 year old horny lesbian with a piss fetish, like I said in my online profile? What the fuck? Where am I? How did I get here? When do I get my phone call, you motherfuckers?

Where should we go?

Let's start with your choice of venue. It's important that you go somewhere cool, trendy, imaginative and fun, which can be a bit of a problem if you live in Edgemead.

Places to avoid include:
- Drinking club AGMs
- Death metal concerts
- Neo Nazi rallies
- Your mother's house
- Edgemead
- Your ex's engagement party (especially if you're still bitter and twisted and prone to fits of violent rage).
- Or if you're me, your house.


Cool places to go include:
- A Star Trek Convention
- If you're not me, your house.
- A really swanky restaurant where you can flash all your credit cards and be extremely rude to the hapless waitress while feeling up your date under the table with your foot.

How should I act?

Remember, humour is very attractive. Try to be funny. Tell jokes. If you're short of material, read Fred Basset. That's always good for a laugh. Here's an hilarious example:

Aha ha ha ha ha!!! Fred is the funniest doggy on the planet! And if anyone says otherwise I'll stab them in the face!!

Such wit! Fred rules! And there's plenty more where that came from. Don't be scared to steal jokes from any source you can find. All the standup comedians are doing it, so why shouldn't you?

Be friendly, courteous and polite. Hide your inner demons. If you're asked about your childhood, try not to break out into uncontrollable fits of sobbing and curling yourself into a tight little ball.

Be confident. This is extremely important. Try not to say things like "Thank you for allowing yourself to be seen in public with an ugly, retarded fuck like me." This may very well make your date realise that you are indeed ugly and retarded. You might want to divert your date's attention away from your gruesome features by wearing a very large and colourful hat. With fruit. Hey, it worked for Carmen Miranda.

Evening, ladies

Try not to show your date the surveillance footage you got from the private investigator you hired until at least the third date.

Avoid shooting smack for at least 4 hours before your date starts.

If you've dropped your date off at their house and the expected kiss doesn't happen, avoid going back two hours later and drunkenly screaming up at the bedroom window.

Mentally prepare yourself for an ego crushing failure while keeping a deathly grin permanently fixed on your ashen face.

This guide is by no means complete, but if you follow these basic steps... God knows what will happen. I have no idea. Dates may have nothing to do with the dates you find on trees, but so far all mine have been complete fruitcakes.

At this point I've kind of run out of dating tips, so I'll finish with a list of all the dogs I've had since childhood:

- Patches - ran away
- Sasha - car accident
- Caesar - bowel cancer
- Porche - back legs caved in

Have a great day :-)