An open letter to scantily clad ladies

If you’re female, and for some reason or other you don’t want to be raped right now, I hope you’re dressed appropriately.

I mention this because a survey, conducted by TNS Research, revealed that nearly a quarter of South African men agree with the statement, “women who dress in revealing clothes are asking to be raped”.

Asking to be raped. Asking.

Holy crap. Really? I never would have guessed. And I doubt I’m the only one, so I’m taking the opportunity to announce this new information – partly as a service to single women who might want to rush home and change into something less dowdy immediately, but also as an RSVP to FHM magazine models and scantily clad women of all shapes and sizes everywhere. I’d just like to say thank you, and I humbly accept your generous invitation.

But first, I must apologise for the tardiness of my response. I had no idea, you see. All this time I thought that those of you who wore tight, low-cut sweaters did so for your own personal reasons. It simply didn’t cross my mind that your choice of clothing was an attempt to communicate with little old me. Honestly, if I’d known for a second you were requesting a decisive sexual assault on my part, I would have complied without a moment’s hesitation. I may be out of touch, but I am nothing if not a gentleman.

A rape in progress

In my defense, how was I to know? It’s hard to imagine anyone – let alone a woman in revealing clothing – desiring an unannounced carnal violation from a complete stranger. In fact, doesn’t the very definition of rape rest on the fact that it’s unsolicited? Once requested, it should be called something else. Perhaps this is what provocatively attired women are really asking for: not so much rape, but rather, sudden, unprovoked lovemaking, quite possibly at gunpoint. Now I don’t want to seem like a pedant, but if we’re going to be expressing our levels of illicit lust through items of clothing, I think it best we at least try to be as precise as possible.

And after a passionate round of “surprise-love”, as I like to call it, who knows where the evening could take us? Perhaps I could take you out to see a movie against your will. Then maybe we could get a late, non-consensual dinner. Do you like pizza? Or would you prefer a knuckle sandwich? Whatever you don’t want - the choice is mine.

You should feel ashamed of yourself for thinking what everyone is thinking

Now I’ve got to remind you, this isn’t an offer you’ll get every day. Remember, nearly three quarters of the men in this country don’t even know what you girls are saying when you’re wearing an ensemble so sparing it could fit into a cigarette box. They don’t hear your request. You know what most men are like: they just don’t listen. Thankfully, there are still a few sensitive new-age guys out there who know what you’re saying when you put on those high heel pumps. Nothing says “take me in the most illegal and traumatizing way possible!” better than a pair of shoes that make it impossible for you to run away.

But sometimes it’s possible to get your lines crossed. A well-meaning guy might spot a woman who he thinks is provocatively dressed, but it’s just a very hot day and she’s trying to keep cool. Nobody’s fault, of course, but it’s always possible to get the wrong message, resulting in considerable embarrassment for both parties concerned.

So perhaps men should take extra measures to ensure that the scantily clad lady in question is, in fact, saying what they think she’s saying before taking action. Believe me, nothing comes close to the interminable embarrassment of finding yourself standing in a darkened alleyway with your pants down, a roll of duct tape in one hand and a chloroform-soaked rag in the other while the object of your affection runs away screaming. You don’t need me to tell you that the evening can only go downhill from there.

So guys, before taking action, maybe you should first ask, just to be safe. If the answer is yes, it’s time for crime! If no… well, there are plenty of provocatively dressed fish in the sea, and about a quarter of us know exactly what they want.