Eddie Izzard Lite

(I did this parody for channel24.co.za a few years back when Eddie Izzard was in SA, aimed at readers who couldn't afford the R500 for a ticket.)

Hello, hello, welcome to South Africa, thanks so much for coming all this way. Because everything’s so far isn’t it, in Africa? Everything’s so far away from everything else, because you have these wide, expansive, majestic… spaces… between everything - which looks great on a postcard but it’s really a pain in the arse when you need to turn off the bedroom light. Yes.

That’s why giraffes have long necks and elephants have big trunks – so they can reach the faraway fruit and leaves – or the bedroom light, if you train them. Yes. A giraffe can be handy in Africa. Coffee on the top shelf? No problem – “Fred!” (sotto) His name’s Fred. “Fred, could you get this?” (mimes a giraffe entering the room, looks around, then speaks in a thick Sean Connery accent, slightly annoyed) “This had better be important. I was busy doing giraffe things.”

“Fred, you put the coffee on the top shelf again…”
(coldly)“Did I?”
“Yes.”
“Well. I suppose I’d better get it for you.”
“Thanks.”
(pause) “I want a raise.”
(sighing) “Fred, now is not the time…”
“Do you want the damn coffee or not?”
(getting angry) “Look, the coffee wouldn’t be out of reach if you hadn’t put it there in the first place.”
“Ah, so it’s all my fault is it? How very convenient for you.”
“All I’m saying is that if everyone just showed a little consideration for…”
“That’s it! Fetch your own fucking coffee, shorty!” (mimes a giraffe turning angrily and stalking off).

You don’t want a giraffe giving you the cold shoulder. No. Especially indoors. It could take out half the house. (mimes the giraffe turning again, then covers head with both arms as house falls down). Giraffes are dangerous creatures. Yes. They’re the rattlesnakes of the animal kingdom.

(mimes writing on hand)  I told them about the giraffe, but they didn’t believe me. I sense unease. They might strike tonight.

So, yeah...

And you have the cradle of humankind right up the road. Only about 50 kilometres or so away. That’s about (moves a small step to the side) here, in Africa.  I’m going tomorrow actually. I’ll finally see our origins - humankind’s cradle - and quite possibly humankind’s rattle, humankind’s teething ring and humankind’s blankie. Humankind’s crèche, basically.

And that takes us back millions of years ago, to when our first ancestors lived in caves - if they were lucky! Yes. You had to get up pretty early in the morning to get your own cave. Lots of people, you see… not a lot of caves. Highly sought-after, during the great cave shortage of the Pliocene epoch. Especially the caves in good areas. Which is why South Africa’s not just the cradle of humankind – it’s also the cradle of real estate agents. Oooh, they’ve always had their finger in every pie, those bastards.

(plummy British accent) “Hello! My wife and I would like to buy a cave please. Something not too damp, North-facing is possible, with a view of the mud lake.”
(Marlon Brando as Don Corleone  impersonation) “Forget about it. You don’t want a cave.”
“Actually I do, if you don’t mind.”
“What you want with a cave, huh?”
“Well, I am a cave man…”
“I can offer you a hole in the ground…”
“No, I want a cave, please.”
“I can offer you this…”
(pause) “That’s not a cave, it’s a granite cliff face.”
“It’s a fixer-upper.”
“It’s a wall!”
“It’s a property with potential. Needs a little TLC…”
(pause) “Where are you from, anyway?”

…and so on and so on for 90 minutes, followed by a standing, albeit nonplussed, ovation.