Advertisement: I can be your enemy

For society to progress we need more than just doctors, scientists and advertisers to tell us what the doctors and scientists are up to so we can buy the result in easy no deposit low interest installments.

We need an enemy.

Throughout history, the need for an enemy as a catalyst to Progress has been proven time and time again. The enemy is an inspiration: it’s something to fight against, it justifies our unspeakable blood lust and looks really good on T-shirts.

All great people, societies and ideologies need a threatening foe. Or, at the very least, some weaker, non-threatening group or person we can market as an enemy, blame for everything in the world we don’t like and persecute to our heart’s content.

And since hating Jews has become infra dig, this is an essential role in society which I, personally, would like to fill.

Don’t thank me. This is my calling. I don’t think I’d be far off the mark if I said I was born for this. I’m physically weak, all my friends are cowards and I don’t have a gun license - I am as easy to split apart as the exposed underbelly of an anemic maggot – but I can shoot my mouth off with torrents of hateful bile at the drop of a hat.

You want something to really rile up the masses and get that inspirational seed of unreasonable, blind hatred planted in the collective consciousness of every man, woman and child? Do you need a vaguely justifiable target so that you, as a leader, can steer society in whichever direction you want to go?

Can do, will deliver!

For a small fee, I can either be your target, or target anything you choose. I’m a professional enemy with years of experience, and after a few weeks with me in your service, you’ll be asking yourself, with enemies like that, who needs friends?

Need something of a racial nature? No problem! I hate white people! With a few sharp jabs of my razor tongue, I can turn Caucasians into evil, imperialistic swine that invade other people’s impoverished countries and use their women and children as slaves in non-subsistence industries. As unbelievable as it sounds, I can make your followers accept this as the truth. Or, I can make them accept this as lies, so that all your followers will hate me instead. The choice is yours.

I can also help you spread equally ludicrous lies about gays (or straights), Christians (or Muslims) and Australians (or vertebrates). After all, we live in a free society which cherishes equal opportunity.

But let me tell you about my specialty: children.

I hate to blow my own horn, but I can say the most disgusting things about children imaginable. With just a few sentences on this subject, I could make Attila the Hun squirm with nausea - so imagine what I could do for your followers!

And now is the time to strike - while the iron is hot, as the saying has it. The masses are already pretty sensitive about the kiddies. Just the two words, “abuse” and “child” together in no particular order sends the hoi polloi into Heart Palpitationsville. Now you can take advantage of the situation! Catch a piggyback ride on social trends into the ashen souls and barren minds of the fickle, sheep-like electorate! Call me now! Go, go, go!

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But Chris, how do I know for sure that you’re the Man, the A-Class enemy I need to get the job done? Wouldn't it be safer - and cheaper - just to pick on some rock star, or something?”

Well, I hear you, brother and/or sister. But let me ask you something: where has picking on a rock star as the enemy ever helped a leader achieve their goal? I’ll tell you where: Nowhere! And do you know why? Because the kids LIKE rock stars! They’re heroes. You can’t go telling kids that their hero is their enemy.

No. What you need is a Third Force, and that’s where I come in. The children don’t know me, and if they start hating me they've got nothing to lose - neither music nor sweets.

I am your natural enemy of choice. I can bring solidarity to your people. And within 24 hours (for a negotiable price), I can be out to kill, fuck and eat every last one of your disgusting, mewling little sprogs. Call me now!